Give It Up

Do you ever think about the words you sing when you worship? I mean REALLY think about them? I will be the first to admit that I have made it through entire worship sets where I sung every word of every song completely in vain. I have sung "break my heart for what breaks yours" as I put up iron-clad walls to protect my heart. I have sung "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders" without any intention of actually following him into an uncomfortable situation. Last night I sang "I surrender" as I clung so tightly to things that He was asking me to lay at His feet. 

For weeks I have been walking around with my fingers in my ears, not wanting to listen to what the Lord was saying to me. I knew He was calling me to surrender everything for the sake of following Him, but I didn't want to hear His voice. I knew that the moment I heard Him the only acceptable response on my part would be total obedience, and I just wasn't willing to put my heart on the altar. In all honesty, I had created for myself an idol. The truth is that anything in our lives that we would not let go of in a split second for the sake of the Lord is an idol. We cannot let anything hold so much of our affection that we would chose to be disobedient in order to retain it. When I realized there was something I was unwilling to give up, I knew that's what I had to do.

It has never hurt so badly to give up something for the Kingdom. As I laid down the thing I loved on the altar, I thought of Abraham's journey up the mountain to sacrifice his son Isaac. For years God promised Abraham a son, and now He was asking him to give that promise away. I can imagine how Abraham felt as he led Isaac up that mountain. I'm sure his stomach was in knots, his heart was breaking with each step, and he felt like he was living in a bad dream. But he was willing. Abraham's love for and devotion to God was even greater than the love he had for his son, so he was obedient. He was obedient and God was faithful. God stopped Abraham at the very last moment and provided an alternate sacrifice. I'm not sure my story will turn out the same way. My heart longs for an ending where God restores the very thing He asked me to lay down, but that's not where my hope lies. My hope is in the fact that my God is faithful. He does not do things to be mean or hurtful, but simply because He loves me. He is faithful to keep that which I have entrusted to Him and I have entrusted Him with everything. 

When I laid everything I had at the feet of Jesus, I heard His voice again. It is the sweetest voice I know. He calls me to go higher, to run faster, and to pursue harder than I ever have before. I refuse to let this season be in vain. In the midst of a time when I could focus on loss, when I could focus on the pain that remains in my heart from the surgery that God performed last night, I choose instead to set my eyes on Jesus. I choose to renew my mind with the Word. I choose to grow and be molded into who He created me to be. There is so much hope. There is so much peace. There is so much love in the arms of my Maker.