Repurposed

God does some pretty crazy things. He made a childless man the father of nations; and He made a man who had never seen rain the first boatbuilder. He made a slave the ruler of Egypt; and He made a stutterer his mouthpiece. He made a prostitute the heroine; and He made a shepherd the king. He made a Jewess the queen of Babylon; and He made a virgin the mother of his son. He made a backslidden fisherman the foundation of his church; and He made a persecutor of Christians the greatest missionary of all time. He is an expert at taking the most unlikely people, removing their labels, and repurposing them for the kingdom.

One year ago today, I was in desperate need of repurposing. I can still confidently say that this time last year was possibly the hardest season of my life. There were exterior circumstances surrounding me that were downright tough, and painful, and ugly, and dark. I was in the worst physical condition of my life, second only to the extreme complications I faced as a premature child; and I was slowly losing every person who I loved, leaving me feeling unwanted and unvalued. Those external conditions, however, were not nearly as serious as the problem my internal condition posed. One year ago today, I realized I no longer had any idea who I was. I didn't know that everything I believed about myself was simply a label I had collected along the way, so that was my definition. I didn't know that God was still interested in using me to do something big for his kingdom, so I was done dreaming. I didn't know healing was coming, so I cried myself to sleep every night. I didn't know restoration was just around the corner, so I accepted life would always be this way. I didn't know what I was passionate about, so I lost motivation. I had no idea what I was even doing here, so Jesus had to interrupt me and do some repurposing.

One year ago today, God woke me up in the morning and audibly asked me one really complicated yet beautifully simple question, "What have I created you for?" It was complicated because in that moment, I realized I had spent nearly two years not doing a single thing I was created for since I had lost sight of who I was. It was simple because I knew if I was willing to listen, he was willing to remind me. I went on a journey for the next few weeks in which no one could participate except myself and Jesus. I started dreaming again. I started having vision again. I started hearing again. I started breathing again. Jesus painted for me a picture of my life as he intended it to be, and I had never seen something so beautiful. There was a catch, though. None of what Jesus was speaking to me looked anything like the person I knew myself to be. He was saying "enough" and all I knew was "too much." He was saying "brave" and all I knew was "fearful." He was saying "strong" and all I knew was "weak." He was saying "choose hard" and all I knew was "stay comfortable."

I wonder if that's sort of how Abraham felt as God called the fatherless "father," or how Joseph felt as God whispered "leader" in the bottom of the pit. I wonder if Mary had a hard time hearing "pregnant" as a virgin, or if David cringed at "king" with the shepherd's staff in his hand.

I'm so thankful that Jesus has taken me on a journey of removing the labels I have scribbled in my own handwriting and replacing them with his purpose. I say journey, though, because I understand I am still walking down this road. I still wonder how the girl who just bawled watching The Good Dinosaur is going to handle loving foster kids and adopting children whose stories are full of hurt and pain. I still wonder how the girl who takes everything personally is going to deal with the rejection and relapse of the broken people she has been called to love. At the same time, I have hope as I realize that because of Jesus, the girl who was once so marked by fear and anxiety can now walk into some of the sketchiest places without any fear to share the Gospel. I have hope as I think about how Jesus allowed the 8-year-old germaphobe to grow up and hold the dirtiest hands and wash the dirtiest feet in the dirtiest places. 

I believe that He who started a good work in me will be faithful to see it unto its completion. I believe that He who created you and dreamt up your story before the foundation of the world will do the same for you. If you find yourself in a place of purposelessness, let me introduce you to my God of purpose. If you don't know who you are, let me introduce you to the God who made you with something specific in mind. If you have counted yourself out, count yourself back in, because Jesus is not done with you. That's the Gospel. You and I, we are broken people. We have a tendency to lose sight of our worth, to forget who we are, and to find things to replace the God who created us. But God is so gracious and so full of unfailing love. He was not content to leave us in our brokenness. Before we ever realized our need for a savior, He met that need. Nearly 2,000 years ago, God humbled himself and became a man. He lived a perfect life, something you and I could never do, which enabled him to bear the punishment of death for our imperfection. Jesus Christ allowed himself to be beaten, mocked, and hung on a cross so that you and I would never have to. But death was no match for his perfect love, and he proved it three days later when he walked out of the grave. Because of what Jesus did, you and I can know the Father. We can know who we are. We can have purpose. All he asks of us is total trust and complete surrender. Trust in what he did for us. Surrender of our plans. Surrender of our self-rule to make him Lord. It's a beautiful exchange, isn't it?

The Two Things I Don't Want to Talk About

If I had to pick something to relate my life to this past month, I would probably go with Walmart on Black Friday mixed with the Apple store the day of a new product release... Way too crowded, way too busy, and super disorganized, but also full of valuables. I feel a little slighted that no one adequately warned me about senior year of college, though I am not sure a warning would have been enough to prepare me, and I'm not sure senior year is the problem.

I have this totally made up scene in my mind that at the beginning of the year, Jesus sat down and thought to himself, "How can we teach her as much as possible in the shortest amount of time and still keep her alive?" Then he dreamt up the way these past few months have gone and called it a day. Like I said, totally made up, but it feels pretty accurate in my own mind. 

There is one lesson in this strange season that I have been wrestling with for well over a month now. I would love to pin it down, call the win, and move along never to think of it again, but I have a feeling the wrestling is a part of this process He is leading me through. This lesson is one I don't particularly enjoy discussing, and I am clearly procrastinating from announcing it to you all, but I have this nagging feeling that my transparency is also a part of this great process. 

I have never particularly enjoyed women's ministry. When people ask me why, I gladly respond that in my opinion, all women's ministry consists of is a bunch of women sitting around, complaining about their relationships, and crying about their self-esteem. The funny thing is I don't think I've ever actually seen a women's ministry program that was like that. That is simply a made up perception in my brain of what happens, and it sounds awful. I hate the idea of sitting around talking about relationships and discussing my self-esteem. In fact, I would rather do anything else in the whole world, because it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE. If there are two things in my life I have not mastered, they would be relationships and self-esteem, and no one likes to sit around and talk about things they aren't good at. At least my pride doesn't.

I have this little problem when it comes to relationships with others and my own self-esteem in that I tend to wrap the two together in a package and shake the box until they are so tangled together, they are inseparable unless someone pulls out the scissors. When a relationship frays, my self-esteem unravels. When my self-esteem is on the downhill slide, my relationships roll off the cliff. Recently, I have found myself desperately trying to force the two to work together, and it's been a total mess. The problem is that God never intended these two aspects of human life to be so dependent on one another. My ability to love and serve others well should not come from a place of self-focus, self-criticism, or selfish ambition. My confidence in who I am and who I was created to be should not come from man, others' opinions, or the amount of times someone compliments me throughout the day. Until I can successfully detach my relationships from my self-worth, neither of those aspects of my life are going to thrive.

Like everything else in life, this feels much easier said than done. I'm a huge words of affirmation person. It's definitely tied as my top love language, and has possibly even surpassed quality time in this season of life. I STRUGGLE to rely totally on the affirmation of the Lord in my life and not feed off of the encouragement and affirmation of others. I am not saying that the affirmation of others is a bad thing. I fully believe God gives us our love languages and that they are good things. However, the affirmation I receive from the Lord cannot continue to seem less significant to me than a compliment about my outfit or my hair. I also struggle not to let my self-perception be the driving force behind my relationships. I have this ugly false humility that comes in every now and again that says, "I'm too much of a burden to be friends with this person." or "This person deserves to spend time with someone far better and more encouraging than me." I start to see myself as less-than, so I act less-than, and then it really isn't all that fun to be around me anymore. But I did it to myself.

Like I said before, this whole concept is still a work in process for me. I don't get to end this post with "and then I figured it all out and now I'm awesome at relationships and have perfect self-esteem." It's not true. BUT, I do know that truth is truth no matter how I feel or even how I act. The truth is that God created relationships to honor to him and to spur one another toward him. The truth is that every person has something to offer others, especially when the Spirit of God is alive on the inside of them. The truth is that regardless of how I feel about myself on any given day, Jesus not only took the time to sit down and sketch my life, but he also gave his in exchange for mine. Regardless of how people do or don't feel about me, the Lord considered me significant. 

I'm still wrestling with these truths. My head gets them, but my heart needs convincing. My game plan is to keep waking up in the morning and preaching the Gospel to this little rebel heart. To keep speaking truth until it clicks and settles and resonates. I think I'm getting closer.