I have this totally made up scene in my mind that at the beginning of the year, Jesus sat down and thought to himself, "How can we teach her as much as possible in the shortest amount of time and still keep her alive?" Then he dreamt up the way these past few months have gone and called it a day. Like I said, totally made up, but it feels pretty accurate in my own mind.
There is one lesson in this strange season that I have been wrestling with for well over a month now. I would love to pin it down, call the win, and move along never to think of it again, but I have a feeling the wrestling is a part of this process He is leading me through. This lesson is one I don't particularly enjoy discussing, and I am clearly procrastinating from announcing it to you all, but I have this nagging feeling that my transparency is also a part of this great process.
I have never particularly enjoyed women's ministry. When people ask me why, I gladly respond that in my opinion, all women's ministry consists of is a bunch of women sitting around, complaining about their relationships, and crying about their self-esteem. The funny thing is I don't think I've ever actually seen a women's ministry program that was like that. That is simply a made up perception in my brain of what happens, and it sounds awful. I hate the idea of sitting around talking about relationships and discussing my self-esteem. In fact, I would rather do anything else in the whole world, because it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE. If there are two things in my life I have not mastered, they would be relationships and self-esteem, and no one likes to sit around and talk about things they aren't good at. At least my pride doesn't.
I have this little problem when it comes to relationships with others and my own self-esteem in that I tend to wrap the two together in a package and shake the box until they are so tangled together, they are inseparable unless someone pulls out the scissors. When a relationship frays, my self-esteem unravels. When my self-esteem is on the downhill slide, my relationships roll off the cliff. Recently, I have found myself desperately trying to force the two to work together, and it's been a total mess. The problem is that God never intended these two aspects of human life to be so dependent on one another. My ability to love and serve others well should not come from a place of self-focus, self-criticism, or selfish ambition. My confidence in who I am and who I was created to be should not come from man, others' opinions, or the amount of times someone compliments me throughout the day. Until I can successfully detach my relationships from my self-worth, neither of those aspects of my life are going to thrive.
Like everything else in life, this feels much easier said than done. I'm a huge words of affirmation person. It's definitely tied as my top love language, and has possibly even surpassed quality time in this season of life. I STRUGGLE to rely totally on the affirmation of the Lord in my life and not feed off of the encouragement and affirmation of others. I am not saying that the affirmation of others is a bad thing. I fully believe God gives us our love languages and that they are good things. However, the affirmation I receive from the Lord cannot continue to seem less significant to me than a compliment about my outfit or my hair. I also struggle not to let my self-perception be the driving force behind my relationships. I have this ugly false humility that comes in every now and again that says, "I'm too much of a burden to be friends with this person." or "This person deserves to spend time with someone far better and more encouraging than me." I start to see myself as less-than, so I act less-than, and then it really isn't all that fun to be around me anymore. But I did it to myself.
Like I said before, this whole concept is still a work in process for me. I don't get to end this post with "and then I figured it all out and now I'm awesome at relationships and have perfect self-esteem." It's not true. BUT, I do know that truth is truth no matter how I feel or even how I act. The truth is that God created relationships to honor to him and to spur one another toward him. The truth is that every person has something to offer others, especially when the Spirit of God is alive on the inside of them. The truth is that regardless of how I feel about myself on any given day, Jesus not only took the time to sit down and sketch my life, but he also gave his in exchange for mine. Regardless of how people do or don't feel about me, the Lord considered me significant.
I'm still wrestling with these truths. My head gets them, but my heart needs convincing. My game plan is to keep waking up in the morning and preaching the Gospel to this little rebel heart. To keep speaking truth until it clicks and settles and resonates. I think I'm getting closer.
Great word. Thank you for sharing. I, too, hope to master these two areas of my life. Or, at the least, become friends with them.
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